stuff my mom said to me in the car ride to Easter breakfast

• 'im worried.' 'why?' i asked. 'i don't want to have to eat the cats'. apparently she had been reading up about the apocalypse and began mentally preparing herself for the day when push comes to shove. 'obviously, within six months there will be no cow meat left. what am i gonna do, hunt?' i assured her she wouldn't have to eat the cats.

• 'i'm gonna have to learn how to garden.' a disaster-related conclusion as well. 'on what land?' i asked. then she changed her mind. her paranoia surrounding an apocalypse extended itself to the takeover of zombies. 'i'd probably just let a zombie eat my brains. i don't want to learn how to garden.'

• 'don't die for the next ten years.' an AI specialist had gone on a podcast to inform everyone that AI predicted the emergence of life-extending technology ten years from now. 'if you're alive in ten years, you'll live to be a hundred and fifty.' i asked her if she wanted to live to be a hundred and fifty. she said no.